CERTAIN FUCKING HEARTBREAK.
I just love knowing about how much of a whore you thought I was and that was why you didn’t wanna go out with me. I love knowing that you “were still in love and would never stop being in love with Brooklynn” while we were going out. I love hearing, FROM YOU, that you asked Baylee out before me and she said no, so you went for me, AS we were waiting for her and Jasmine to come over. I was like… the 4th option. Lawl. Remembering you talking about how Erin was screwing Baylee up… IT’S BECAUSE YOU LIKED HER HAHAHA, NOW I GET IT. And how you like her photos and dress up for her, but not me. AND YOU WERE WITH HER LAST SUMMER. AND YOU’LL BE WITH HER THIS SUMMER, CAMPING AND PARTYING WHILE I’M GONE.
I’m just setting myself up for certain heartbreak.
I’m sad, because I know we’re falling apart… and I really don’t want this to be happening. I think we’ve been falling apart for a while, now. The last time you made me a card or wrote me a love letter was 6 months ago… The last time you wrote something ‘good’ on tumblr was 5 months ago. Everything else since then has been bad. That was your turning point, your limit. Your feelings for me changed. You don’t love me, anymore. In fact, you loathe me. I know this, because I do, too. You’re the one who has changed me the most. I used to be strong, but you changed that. I let my guard down with you. You were different. You were the one I wanted to be with. You’re the only one who’s made me feel so much love, yet so much pain.. and I loathe you for that. I don’t think I could ever hate you, but I DO dislike you very much. You cheated, you lied, you lied again and again. I don’t trust you anymore. I kept telling myself that I did, but I don’t. It’s your fault that I don’t trust you, you made those choices and tried to hide them by lying. Did you really think you could keep all the things you’ve done from me forever? You said you would earn my trust back, but what have you done to do that? You ignore me, you choose weed/spice over me, you choose cigarettes over me, you choose your friends over me, you flirt with other girls and call me ridiculous when I call you out for it. Maybe I Am ridiculous, maybe I should just start trusting you again.. hah, trust is earned and you’ve done NOTHING to prove to me that I should trust you.
I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to be without you. I don’t want to see you in the halls next year and remember what we had. I don’t want you to become a stranger, again. I don’t want to think about how you were one the most important person in my life. I don’t want to see you with anyone else, but me. I want to go back to how we were that first month before I left. I want to relive each and every day we spent together. I want that happiness again. I’m tired of this pain, I’m tired of being unhappy. All I want is to be happy, but I want to be happy with you. We have our moments, it’s true. But that’s rare. I love those moments, I treasure them. Those moments have been keeping us together, because all this unhappiness is worth those moments of joy… at least, it Used to be worth it. I don’t know if I can take anymore, Quinten.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done that have hurt you. But you will never understand the amount of pain you’ve inflicted on me. If I trusted you, we’d be happy. Fights would be rare. Everything would be perfect. I wish you hadn’t done those things. I wish you hadn’t hurt me. I wish you hadn’t made me lose my faith in you. Maybe I should’ve gotten over it by now.. but finding out about cigarettes just made it come back. I thought I was over it, but you caused me to mistrust you again. In all reality, everything literally was your fault. You made those choices, you caused my mistrust and now look at where we are. If you hadn’t done those things, we’d be happy. I’d trust you and we wouldn’t fight. What is done is done. There’s no turning back.
I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved. I love you more than myself. But I love the Quinten I first met. The Quinten who was there for me those few days before you asked me to be yours. The Quinten that was too nervous to kiss me after our first date. The Quinten who layed with me that night and told me he was in love with me. The Quinten who wanted so desperately to come to New Mexico. The Quinten who wrote me love letters and skyped with me all night long. The one who wanted nothing but my happiness. I’m holding on to that Quinten, I keep hoping he’ll come back and make everything better… But who am I kidding? That’s not going to happen…
I love you Quinten Colovich.. I love you so much…
-“Your hot, Filipino girlfriend”